Bite Me, DMV!

In order to get a driver's license in North Carolina, one must pass a series of trials, including proof of insurance, vision test, and magically knowing that a blank, round, yellow sign means "railroad crossing," since actually putting the "RR" and cross bars in --the way it appears on the road! -- would be too easy.

Those things, I passed. However, despite the fact that I have held an unencumbered license in Tennessee since I was 16, North Carolina requires that I take a written driver's test. Not just any test, though. It is the most impractical, idiotic test on the freaking planet.

For example, not knowing the EXACT percentage of highway deaths caused by drunk drivers means I'm too retarded to drive in North Carolina. If they REALLY wanted a question that estimated my ability to drive in this backwards state, the question should have been:

Are you planning to drive drunk in the great state of North Carolina?
A.) Absolutely.
B.) No.
C.) Maybe.
D.) I assure you, I only plan to drive drunk in the other 49 states.
E.) I drove here drunk, but I won't do it again.

If I answer anything but "B.) No," I can see why they might question my ability to operate a motor vehicle safely in North Carolina.

To protest the immeasurable ridiculousness of this so-called test, I decided to break as many freaking traffic laws in North Carolina as humanly possible. I started with familiar things like speeding and following too closely, then I moved on to really crazy things like passing on a double yellow line, changing lanes in the middle of intersections, going 8 miles over in a school zone, and not yielding to oncoming traffic!

Then, fueled by a power that can only come from moving violations, the Civic and I took it up a notch and side-swiped an old dude carrying a red and white stick and walking a dog in the middle of a cross walk. He acted like he didn't see me! "What are you, blind?" I yelled as he tried to get up. That's how we roll in Tennessee.

By this time, however, the po-po had gotten wind of my traffic violation rampage. I could feel the points on my non-license adding up, as I added failure to pull over for a police officer to my list.

After they chased me through the entire two blocks of downtown Greenville and managed to shoot out all of my tires, I wondered if I'd proven at last that I deserved to have a North Carolina driver's license.

"Excuse me, traffic cop?" said I.

"Quit revving your engine, lady!" he said, while nervously waving his pistol. "And stop trying to jump the curb!"

"Two questions," said I. "When can I retest for my driver's license, and how good is your aim?"